I’ve given this blog a kick to wake it from its slumber, so that I can rant a little: Sweet Thames, run softly, till I end my song…

There’s been a debate, here in the UK, sparked by The Booker prize. It’s a literary prize for the year’s best novel.

It’s been controversial this year, even more so than normal, because the judges have been saying they wanted to reward books that were readable. That ‘zip along,’ as one of the judges put it.

The literary elite have come over all pompous and offended. The self-appointed literati seem to think novels need to be slow and ponderous and incomprehensible in order to be any good.

Meanwhile, in the blue corner, a fair number of people, including quite a few who actually buy and read books, have been pointing out that it is, sometimes, an entirely good thing that a novel has a coherent narrative.

Not so, say the literati. A work of ‘literature’ should have higher ambitions than that. And of course, they do have a point. We wouldn’t want all the bookshops to be filled with clones of James Patterson and Jeffrey Archer, now would we?

So who’s right? Should we reward and hail the novels that contain literary ambition, which set out to chart new territory and stretch the art form? Or the ones that represent a damn good read?

I think you know the answer. Drum roll please. As readers, what we crave and desire and want and deserve and demand is….

BOTH!

Both goddamn you. Both, you silly little intellectuals in your ivory towers. Both, you publishing apparatchicks with your expense account lunches and your ridiculous shoes.

Why can’t we have novels that are well written and a good read? A good story, characters who come alive on the page, suspense, interest. Combine that with a strong theme, something to say about the human condition, imaginative use of language, care and control over every word on the page. Art and story combined. That would make for a terrific novel.

Is it really too much to ask?

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Like many writers, I’ve sometimes asked myself this question: what’s the right length for a novel?

I know lots of rough guidance, such as 60,000 actual words as a minimum, 80,000 for an average adult novel, anything over 100,000 is a bit long and expensive for publishers to produce.

There is also the obvious ‘rule’ that the book should be long enough to tell the story, and not one word longer. (More honoured in the breach than the observance, perhaps?).

Yet I’ve still sometimes puzzled over the difference between actual word counts given to you by a word processor, and how that would translate into the pages of a book.

Even though my writing tool of choice, the excellent Scrivener, gives you not only a word count, but a calculation of paperback pages as well, even so, the number of words per pages is adjustable, and how does it really translate into what you would hold in your hand were the darned thing ever published?

That was what I really sought: an idea of what an actual word count feels like when it’s printed. So what I needed was the actual word count of some novels on my bookshelf.

Simplicity itself, in this age of ebooks. So here are the results:

The Road by Cormac McCarthy: 58,845 actual words (including title and byline, but none of the copyright information, or other preamble stuff) – 303 pages paperback. This novel has quite large print and lots of white space on the page.

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone by J. K. Rowling (or Harry Potter And the Sorcerer’s Stone to those of you in the USA): roughly 79,500. Actual word count in 79,716, but this is text cut and pasted from a PDF into a word processor. Doing this has caught chapter titles on every page and page numbers too, so it’s not precise. I’m too lazy to clean it up. Precision isn’t called for here). This translates to 223 pages in my paperback edition.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J. K. Rowling – roughly 203,500 actual words (same issues as above), which translates to a weighty 607 pages in hardback.

Complicity by Iain Banks: comes out at 99,207 but there’s quite a lot of cruft caught up in this, such as page numbers and random data that shouldn’t be there, so estimate it at 98,500. This translates to a novel of 313 pages in paperback.

And we’ll finish with the most ‘important’ and enduring novel of the 20th century (discuss):

1984 by George Orwell: 110,581 in an ebook version, which again has excessive amounts of cruft, but this equates to roughly 110,000. This translates to 400 pages in the Penguin Modern Classics version. There is, however, a more compact paperback version of 292 pages.

I could keep doing this all day, but you get the general idea. If you want to do this for yourself, you can get page counts for any title just by doing a search on Amazon.

There were a few surprises among other ebooks I checked. George Orwell’s Animal Farm is only 30,000 words. The Dickens classic ‘A Christmas Carol’ is under 29,000, and ‘The War of the Worlds’ by HG Wells is only around 61,500.

Jonathan Franzen’s The Corrections, however, weighs in at only just shy of 200,000 actual words (672 pages in paperback, according to Amazon). I haven’t read The Corrections, and it was on my reading list, until I carried out this process, and scanned the prose. Why is it so highly regarded? I reckon a tough edit would get it down under 80,000, and might even make it worth reading.

As always, quality beats quantity every time.

Related posts:

1. Do you know the magic word?
2. One word that can transform your writing

If you think it’s wrong to f***ing-well split infinitives, listen up. You’ve been deceived by an ignorant pedant, who was somehow given the role of ‘teacher,’ even though he knew less than a dormouse about good writing.

I could go to great lengths on this subject, but the lowdown is this: the split infinitive ‘rule’ has never existed in English. What’s more, it’s never even been considered bad style or bad grammar, except by those fed bad information which they’ve never found the time to question.

The ‘rule’ comes from Latin, where it’s impossible to split an infinitive. (The infinitive form of a latin verb is one word, with a suitable ending. ‘Amare,’ for example, means ‘to love.’ It’s actually a present active infinitive, but this is not really intended as a post about Latin grammar.)

Many of the best writers in history have gleefully split infinitives, and railed against those who stick to the non-existent ‘rule.’ Wikipedia points out:

George Bernard Shaw wrote letters to newspapers supporting writers who used the split infinitive, and Raymond Chandler complained to the editor of The Atlantic Monthly about a proofreader who changed Chandler’s split infinitives:

I’m sticking with Shaw on this one. I think he knows just plenty about good writing.

(And yes, you’re right, I did just have a client complain about ‘bad grammar’ in some copy, because there was a split infinitive in there. But I can’t rant at a client, so I’m letting off steam here…)

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1. To boldly blog: what the Ferengi can teach us about online content
2. A line in the sand: how to make fewer mistakes and be less ignorant
3. To boldly sell: what the Ferengi can teach us about copywriting

There’s hype all over the internet. You’ve probably noticed that already. It’s especially bad when people have something to sell, of course, although sometimes it’s simply people clamouring for attention.

With all this activity, people have to try hard to be heard. They make big claims, false promises.

As a copywriter, I can see a lot of people making a fundamental error with the way they pitch their products and services, or even simply the information they are offering for free. It comes down to a simple rule, one that most people are familiar with, and even if they’ve never heard it before, probably know it anyway, on an instinctive level:

If it sounds too good to be true…. then it probably is.

If someone’s offering you a way to make easy money, and there’s really no catch, none at all, then you’re right to be suspicious. If someone claims their online course will make you rich, or have you earning thousands of dollars a day in no time, then being wary, cautious of such claims is only natural.

If it sounds too good to be true…. then it probably is

You see, there’s a lot of people writing sales material on the internet, having learnt a few tricks here and there, brushed up on the tried and tested headlines techniques, and slapping together sales pages full of sound and fury that rarely signify anything more than an insatiable desire to con people out of their money by selling them garbage.

There’s a simple rule I often use when shopping around, on the internet or out in the world in general. It’s a bit of an admission from someone who makes his living by writing stuff for the marketing departments of corporations, but here it is:

The slicker the marketing, the worse the product.

The reasoning behind this is fairly simple and obvious. Some people invest all the time and money in developing or creating something great. Other people skip this bit, and concentrate all the time and money on the marketing, to shift their piece of garbage.

The slicker the marketing, the worse the product

Now, clearly there is a middle ground here, where sensible and legitimate businesses invest in their product / service, and then promote it with balanced and generally true marketing messages. But bear with me here, I’m trying to set things out in black and white, get some stark contrast going.

So, those with the great product tend to rely on word of mouth, letting people try the product or service and see for themselves how good it is. While those with garbage to sell will focus all their attention, and if they can, all of your attention, on their big, fat ‘BUY’ button.

Some of these people make money. Many of them probably earn much more than you or me. But that doesn’t mean we want to be like them and it doesn’t mean we should try to emulate them. Because, even putting the morality aside, it’s a strategy with a short shelf life. And in truth, it only really works consistently well when you’re selling snake oil and get-rich-quick schemes to mugs.

So, if you’re writing sales material for clients, or for yourself, or if you’re simply trying to promote yourself, your creations, your efforts, remember not to over promise. Don’t make claims that people won’t believe. If you make people suspicious, you’ll lose their trust, and the sale. Focus on the real benefits, the real value.

Half the trick to copywriting is finding that true value, and highlighting it in a way that catches the attention of those who will genuinely benefit from it.

I’m not saying that’s easy, or that it leads to instant riches. But at least it’s honest, and in the long run, it’s better marketing.

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2. People don't read ' differently' on the web
3. The two biggest mistakes of web copy

If you blog using WordPress, then you’ve probably heard about the Thesis theme, which is not only easy to use and customise, but also plays nice with the search engines. This site uses Thesis, and I can recommend it to anyone who wants to improve their blog, and make the whole experience of setting up and running a website more fun and less time consuming.

One of the many great aspects of The Thesis Theme for WordPress is the range of SEO (search engine optimisation) features. Thesis makes it easy to do things like customise the page title, write a Google-friendly meta description and add keywords to each and every blog post you produce.

A new version of Thesis has just been released, and includes what may seem like a small improvement, but it’s one I’ve been waiting for, and which should make life much easier for bloggers who are concerned about SEO.

What’s the feature? Character counts. Character counts for your page titles and meta descriptions. Search engines will only show a specific number of characters in these title and meta description fields, but previously, Thesis didn’t display a character count. You had to count them by hand or eye. Or cut and paste them into a word processor just to get an accurate count. Annoying. Very annoying.

Now that issue is solved, and it’s one of those small little additions that will actually make life significantly easier for bloggers.

Other changes and additions in Thesis 1.8 include:

• A header image uploader
• Google fonts – you can now use 28 free fonts from the Google web directory, and they are, of course, all web safe
• Support for the new WordPress Nav Menu
• A Favicon uploader
• Lots of other stuff that’s too technical for a writing site…

If you want to know more about how to optimise blogs and other online content for the search engines, see my SEO ebook.

And if you want to know more about The Thesis Theme for WordPress, click here. (Affiliate link, by the way).

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1. Thesis theme ready, refit complete: full steam ahead
2. What is SEO?
3. Accidental SEO

A guest post by Katherine Ploeger.

Many people are confused by punctuation marks, especially with the differences between the comma, semi colon, and colon. Although each punctuation mark has numerous rules associated with its use, it’s not hard to get to grips with the basics.

Commas

Commas are one of the most used and misused punctuation marks of the English language. Many people have misconceptions about the use of commas, while others have given up completely and simply place them where it is convenient.

By knowing the rules of grammar, the writer has more options available for sentence construction

Commas are used inside of a sentence to create a mental pause for the reader as well as to separate grammatical constructions, which also can use that mental pause but not a full stop. A comma can identify extra information in the sentence, with the comma placed before and after the extra information. For example, “Hal sat on a park bench, wobbly and squeaky, to eat his lunch.” The description of the park bench is not necessary for the sentence to be complete: it just adds extra and interesting detail.

A comma can also break up two complete sentences that are joined by a coordinating conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so). For example, “Millie wandered the store for hours, yet she bought nothing.” The “, yet” separates two complete sentences; a period could have been used for the same grammatical correctness but not for the same reading experience.

In addition, commas often separate the main clause (with the most important idea) from subordinating clauses (a.k.a. dependent clauses) that offer information of secondary importance. For example with a verbal phrase, “Jack sat on a wobbly stool, eating his cold oatmeal.” For another example, “Although Josh had a great modeling career, he threw it all way by behaving badly at shoots.” Note that the main clauses carry the most important information.

Semi colons

Semi colons separate two complete sentences that are closely related in thought. In other words, the second sentence (the one after the semi colon) relates directly to the first sentence, usually continuing the first idea with more detail. For example, “Jessica stared at the body; she cringed inside.” Of course, the semi colon could be replaced with a period, but that change often creates choppy writing in which the sentences all sound the same.

The semi colon could also be replaced by other connecting constructions such as creating a verbal phrase (for example, “…, cringing inside.”) or using a coordinating conjunction (for example, “…, and she cringed inside.”).

The tricky use of semi colons comes when using transitional elements such as however, moreover, consequently, and many others. If you remember that a semi colon usually divides two complete sentences (they have other uses, to be discussed in other articles), then you will know when to use a semi colon as opposed to a comma, which is used for a single sentence. For example, “Zeta consulted with her mentor; however, she left dissatisfied with the advice.” This example contains two complete sentences divided by the semi colon and however. For the example with a single sentence, use this: “Zeta consulted with her mentor, however leaving dissatisfied with the advice.” The second sentence in the first example has been changed to a verbal phrase, thus making the entire example one sentence.

Colons

Colons are used to introduce a list or further explanation at the end of a sentence. For example, “Joey played with his toys: a red fire truck, a black and white police car, and a white and red ambulance.” The sentence could also read, “Joey played with his toys: public service vehicles with lights and sirens.”

Colons can also be used to separate two complete sentences with the second sentence explaining the first. For example, “She was proud of her son: he won first prize.” Note that both sentences are complete, but the second adds more detail and explanation to the first.

As with semi colons and commas, the colons can be replaced by other grammatical constructions because the English language is flexible, offering many options for any sentence to be written. That is one reason for writers staring out the window while writing: they are often trying out various ways of expressing an idea. With one chosen, the writer looks back at the page or screen and writes in her choice.

A comparison of the three

While all three punctuation marks appear in the interior of a sentence, a comma retains the completeness of the sentence, while a semi colon does not. Both a semi colon and colon can divide two complete sentences. A comma and a colon can divide a complete sentence into pieces while retaining its wholeness.

Writers need to learn the rules of grammar for their own advantages. First, knowing the rules will enable them to communicate their ideas properly. Second, by knowing the rules of grammar, the writer has more options available for sentence construction, thus making the writing experience more interesting for the writer and the reading better for the reader.

I hope this article has helped to clarify the use of these three punctuation marks.

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1. Know the difference between to, too and two
2. Quick tip: purge your commas
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A guest post by Katherine Ploeger.

One confusing set of homonyms involves to, too, and two. A clearer understanding can prevent numerous little editing errors and allow your readers to understand your ideas better.

TO
To offers writers two uses, as follows:
1. To as a preposition: To is one of the most often used prepositions to introduce a prepositional phrase, which indicate location and condition, among others.
For example: to the store, to another city, to the boats.
Punctuation: No commas are used with this To.

2. To with an infinitive phrase: an infinitive phrase consists of to + a verb.
For example: to dance, to sing, to have a great time.
Punctuation: No commas are used with this To.

TOO
Too offers writers two uses, as follows:
1. Too means “in addition to” and is used at the end of a sentence for emphasis.
For example: He went to Europe, too. I liked that one, too.
Punctuation: Always put a comma after the word before too.

2. Too is used to refer to excess or degree of something. It functions as an adverb and is placed within the sentence.
For example: She was too noisy. Harry carried too much in his backpack.
Punctuation: No commas are used with this too.

TWO
Two is the number 2 (between one and three).
For example: Two birds splashed in the birdbath.
Punctuation: No punctuation is used specifically for two unless the phrase or clause requires a comma according to its function.
Tip: Most style manuals say that you should spell out the word two (rather than using the numeral or digit 2) for any numbers between zero and nine or ten (the upper limit varies by style manual). However, if you have a single-digit number in the same sentence as one or more multiple-digit numbers, use numerals or digits for all numbers. For example, “When 42 writers attended our workshop, 13 entered the contest but 2 left early.” Be consistent spelling out numbers.

By using these words correctly, you can save yourself a lot of headaches from making little errors and confusing your readers.

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1. The difference between it's and its
2. Get to know the difference between "There's" and "Theirs"
3. There, Their, and They're

Hey you, yes you, reading this, right now. You’re a writer. And that guy over there, he’s a writer too. And the woman to the left, she’s a writer. Me too, I’m a writer. We’re all writers.

The world is full of writers.

I’ve been hearing some guff recently, from some fairly mean-spirited, arrogant, elitist types, people I’ve had the misfortune to be involved with professionally, about what makes someone a writer.

Well, let me give you my view. Being a writer isn’t like being an ‘artiste.’ It’s not some special sanctified status, protected by a class-ridden elite.

It doesn’t matter what you write, how you write it, or how good you are at doing it. If you write anything, anything at all, you’re a writer. Blogs, letters, a journal, unpublished novels, you name it.

I know there’s that great quote from a movie (though I can’t remember which movie):

“Anyone can call himself a writer. But when someone else calls you a writer, THEN you’re a writer.”

It’s a nice quote. It’s a neat idea. But I’m saying to you, gentle reader, right now, I’m looking you in the eye and telling you that as far as I am concerned, even though I don’t know you, that you are a writer. You are writers, all of you. Just go write. The act of writing makes you a writer.

Don’t let anyone run you down, don’t let them tell you otherwise. If they want to make something of it, point them in my direction. Send them over here. Let me deal with them.

(If they still cause trouble, I’ll set my dog on them. And Airedales don’t take prisoners).

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The ebook ‘SEO for writers and bloggers‘ is now on sale at the awesome price of $7.95. (That’s an ironic use of the word ‘awesome’ by the way*).

The book is designed for writers and bloggers who want to master the basics of writing for search engines, without mangling their prose and stuffing their copy full of keywords.

• Learn to write for both readers and search engines, and attract more visitors to your website
• Discover how to research and use keywords – and precisely where they should be placed for maximum effectiveness
• 50 pages of facts, tricks, strategies, tips and essential information, explained in clear English, and structured to take you from the basics through to mastery of writing SEO copy.

Not sure how long the sale price will last. Safest thing is to get your copy now.

(*And that’s also an ironic misuse of the word ironic).

UPDATE: Now with a new, snazzy, 3D cover graphic. Same old dependable words as before.

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A guest post by Katherine Ploeger.

The homonyms of there/their/they’re (covered in a previous post) have their plurals, which also cause problems for writers, specifically there’s and theirs.

THERE’S

There’s is the contraction for there is (even my grammar checker flagged the second is in this sentence). The apostrophe is the clue that this word is a contraction because the apostrophe replaces the i in is.

There’s frequently is used in speech as a shortcut to expression, but when used in writing, it can be misused because the writer does not realize the word is a contraction with a singular verb. 

Often you’ll hear people say, and see as written, ”There’s too many people here today.” If the contraction is expanded, the sentence would read: “There is too many people here today,” an obvious subject-verb agreement error. (A subject-verb agreement error identifies a situation when the number — singular or plural — of the subject does not agree with the number of the verb.)  The spoken and written sentence should be “There’re too many people here today” if a contraction is used.  Then the subject and verb agree with each other.

Beginning writers have a problem with this construction because they start their sentences with There’s, as they do in speech.  However, with the written word, using this construction to start a sentence is a lazy and vague way of giving information. 

As discussed at length in the previous article, using There is or There are to start sentences should be avoided because the two words give no information and usually substitute for the actual subject and verb buried in the sentence. Only when discussing existence can you use There is or There are to start a sentence, but even then, you can probably think of a better way of expressing that idea.

As shown in the examples below, There’s starts a sentence or a clause and so is often at the beginning of the sentence.

THEIRS

Theirs is the plural of the possessive pronoun Their.  Note that no apostrophes are used with possessive pronouns (also discussed in the previous article).

As shown in examples below, theirs can be placed anywhere in the sentence that makes sense.

HERE ARE A FEW EXAMPLES

1. Theirs was the biggest yacht in the marina.

2. There’s going to be a big storm tonight. (Note this sentence shows that something exists.)

3. The best pies at the county fair were theirs.

4. Most of the time, there’s always enough. (Again, this sentence states an existence.)

Related posts:

1. There, Their, and They're
2. The difference between it's and its